She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
