Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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