Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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