Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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