Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
