I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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