I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
