She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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