we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
