I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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