genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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