Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
