I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Randomize
