is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
