I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
