I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
