So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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