What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
