I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
