i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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