i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
