why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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