Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
