DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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