Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
he just fucked me for my cheese..
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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