Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
