Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize