I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He passed out mid-signature
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
