We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
