Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
