Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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