If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
