i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
