First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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