im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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