Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
is it fun? or sober?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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