just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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