Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
