Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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