Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
