hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize