One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
