and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
