My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
