I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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