omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
