I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
