Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
