I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I am naked and annoyed.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
