if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
