I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
