I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
