I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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