i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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