I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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