Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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