matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
