I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
