Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
